Like a Fella Once Said

Although I am exhausted and should be sleeping, I figured I should make an entry.

I went down to Chapman this weekend to spend time with some people before I leave, most specifically the boyfriend. Activities were fun and good and made me exceedingly glad that I am not in Southern California right now/ attending classes at Chapman. I really think this is a wonderful time for me to get a break from that place. There is something about it that just really drains me of enthusiasm, and (depending on how tired or hungry I am) actually depresses me. It's not like I hate the place. I mean, it's a good school and I tend to fancy what I'm learning at least somewhat, but it's time. Yes, it's time. I'm hoping that by the time I come back next fall, I will be able to have a fresh new outlook on things.

It was kind of strange spending time with Patrick knowing that it might very well be the last time we ever kiss or the last time we will ever be able to snuggle up to each other all close, like it's nice to do with significant others. Technically the 'break' will not begin until I leave on my flight on the morning of the 19th, but this weekend was the last time we will be able to have couple time. Gradually we will have to stop ending conversation with "I love you"s and keep a keener eye on comments made to one another, and that will be strange too. Our relationship gets oddly better on breaks, when we are at home and away from Chapman and the stresses of school. This probably would not have been so bad had the goodbyes not been during a break, and when relationship things would be a little more trying to deal with. But, alas.

Sunday was a little harder than I thought it would be. I think that a lot of this might have been because I spent most of it alone in a car driving home for six hours. Needless to say, I had a lot of time to think about things and dwell on the whole weird break thing. I listened to lounge music the entire way back, and that was nice, because the voices of people like Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Margaret Whiting, and all of those lovely people are really soothing. Sure, it's old person-ish of me, but it felt the most appropriate at the time. The ride back seemed much shorter than the ride up, which was a plus, despite the occasional outburst of emotional instability.

But things will be good, I know it! I'm feeling much more lively about everything today, despite the fact that I hardly did anything because I was feeling lazy. Tomorrow I will see Erin, which should be fun, and hopefully I will be able to even get some things done in relation to the trip, like make sure I have a power outlet on the flight from New York to Shannon so that I can watch a movie or use my computer. Or I can sell things on Amazon or eBay, or sort through clothing, or check the weight limits I will have on baggage.

Saturday will hopefully be a little family 'going away' get together over at my grandma's, and that will be nice. It's so hard to believe how soon it all is. I don't know what to do with myself.

The end.

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( On to the curiosities! )

Where the Wild Things Are = adorable. In the beginning I was slightly doubtful, but it really is a lovable movie, and all of the characters are incredibly relatable. Very well written.

I will be hosting a party the next time I get the chance. It will be a Where the Wild Things Are party. I will invite the people I love and we will all dress up as creatures and go in the middle of the woods and build forts and have battles. It will last for several hours and there will be a picnic involved.
Preferably this will be done during colder months so that we can dress in the costumes without fear of overheating and misery, and also because the woods will most likely be all to ourselves then.

To others we may appear to be a small cult gathering of creepy furries, but we will all know better.
Seriously. I'm doing this. Shhh. Keep it a secret so no one takes the idea.

It will be pure glory.

Because for some reason I don't have enough of that in this silly online journal.

I ain't no stinkin' emo kid.

I should study, but I feel that there is a tension that something saddening is pending. Boyf and I had a talkety-talk this afternoon because I've been rather messed up lately and feel like people are afraid of me.
He wanted to talk about it, so we did. I was lame and wrote most of what I wanted to say via a small whiteboard he had. It makes me feel like a mute person, but I feel so much more comfortable with writing short sentences when it comes to being emotionally confused than I do speaking. It allows for a nice stream of consciousness thing to happen, and emotion doesn't crack my voice. I spoke where I felt it was best.

Any sort of saddening pending thing would not be something like a break up or whatever. It's just I feel like he's been so good to me and I'm just ... kind of idiotic? I don't know. I've sort of come to hate who I am this school year, and I think it has made me a little bitter all around. I don't feel like I can measure up to his love most of the time. Every once in a while I feel such a surge of self-hatred and it makes me so angry.
Problem is he feels guilty because he believes he is the one who is making me unhappy and he doesn't know how to fix it. He didn't tell me this until today, however. This is a problem, because if he withdraws from me because he thinks he can't make me as happy as he wants to, then I think he is withdrawing because I'm bothering him.
It doesn't work out very positively.

I think I'm just feeling horribly guilty.
My mind has been overly poetic lately with all of the thoughts racing in and around my head. It's affected my sleep to a certain extent. I just want to tell him that all I want to do is to cuddle him and touch him and love him. I want to kiss his eyelids and celebrate his existence and let him know that he is what makes me happy here. Without him I'd be insane - a miserable creature, probably seeing the school psychologist every once in a while. Some how I want to show him how much he means to me and how when it comes to times like this I just want to hold on to him and melt myself so that I stick like an annoying candle wax.
If I seem upset when he proposes to leave it's only because I want him to stay. If I seem to ignore him when he arrives it's only so I can finish whatever I am doing quickly enough that I can snuggle up to him and give him my full, undivided attention. If I sigh sadly when he falls asleep next to me it is only because I've spent so much time trying to get to that point where I can give him my attention and then he can't manage to stay awake.

If I poke at his dorkiness it's only because it makes me laugh. If I seem embarrassed at his eagerness to talk to strangers it's just because I wish I could do that too. I would that I had his confidence and his happiness and his joy. I wish I could shrug things off as easily as he sometimes seems to do.

I can't do that though, for some reason. I'm trying to meet people and make friends but I'm not trying enough. I've been fueling myself on nostalgia and the people who aren't there in order to feel joyful lately. I keep telling myself that there is no one here that I have much of an interest in getting to know, but the truth is I think that I just haven't really tried to get to know any of them hard enough.

Things will be better.
Going to see Where the Wild Things Are tonight ten minutes after midnight.

Someday I will be a little indie rocker. I will get in my car and drive where I want to go. I will spend time by myself in apple orchards and pumpkin patches. There will be a scarf around my neck and boots on my feet.

I'll go to poetry slams and frolic in the changing leaves. I'll try on hats in hippie shops and hum simple songs under my breath as I do so.
Walks through the neighborhood will be involved. I'll go to edgy coffee shops and meet adorable people with adorable glasses. Maybe there will be a few with dreadlocks.
I'll go to parties and play games with friends.
We'll snap our fingers and bob our heads to improvised music. Everyone will take turns singing. It won't be embarrassing, it will just be fun.

I'll take a road trip to Portland and journey through book stores. I'll speak with intellectuals about the power behind the prose and the fascination with good characters. I’ll discuss theatre and scrounge the money from my pockets to see small productions and befriend the cast and crew. Antique shops will be thoroughly perused for useless trinkets at cheap prices and anything that can be used to make known my artsiness to the world.
From there I'll go to Seattle. Farmers markets will be my source of breakfast. Fresh oranges will burst in my mouth and pumpkin pie will have no other consequence but sweet, sweet joy. Local bakers will know me by name, and I'll have a favorite homeless friend with whom I will converse once or twice a week.

It'll be autumn all the time, and the sunsets will be spectacular. I will walk to so many places and see so many different things and it won't matter that I'm not setting aside time to focus on my career or going to the gym every day because I'll just be living my life. I'll be living my life and enjoying it.

I'll be just a little indie rocker. For that time I won't need anything else.

Just got back from Disneyland with the fam yesterday evening, and it was probably about the busiest time of the year. Sunday was the day that all of the annual passes opened up again to allow people back into the parks (all minus those who have a premium pass, which has no blackout days whatsoever), so parks were full to capacity, and it's great that we stayed at the Disneyland Hotel (which we haven't done since I was probably at least younger than 10) because parking was an article-spurring bitch.

Crowds were pretty insane, but it was nice enough because we didn't feel a need to go rush to wait 90 minutes for Indiana Jones or anything like that. We were able to just enjoy the atmosphere and go on a few rides with satisfaction. Talking to a cast member in a store, apparently not only were crowds an issue because of the annual passes, but CMs are able to sign in themselves as well as 3 others into the parks for free up to 16 times a year, and so a lot of them were trying to fit all those in before the year ended. She also mentioned they were expecting something like 80,000 people that day. They had to schedule a 3rd showing of Fantasmic! at 11:30 in order to accommodate. There were also a couple of power surges that caused all the rides to temporarily shut down. Hectic indeed.

Got to see the updated Fantasmic!, which had been in the works for a while, and that was pretty cool. They were set to have a new dragon, but he was broken. Nevertheless, they moved around the lack-o-dragon beautifully, and anyone who might never have seen the show before probably wouldn't have noticed anything wrong. They have a brand new Flotsam and Jetsum that swim around and interact with the audience while Ursula is being projected, as well as a newly done-over Crocodile that chases after the Jolly Roger in the hopes of devouring Hook. The laser effects and fireworks (most especially for the finale) were also much improved, as well as the sound system.

On Sunday I got to go visit Patrick back at Chapman. He went down about 2 weeks earlier than everyone else in order to do RA stuff. I had been getting used to the idea of going back to Chapman, trying to get myself excited for more opportunities and such, and I was looking forward to seeing the new residence center and everything. However, when I stepped on campus, it was amazing how terrible I felt. Everything was drained out of me. Confidence was completely taken away. Maybe I wasn't expecting to see as many people hanging around there as I did, but I avoided all the people I could. Even the excitement I had for seeing Patrick was sucked out of me, and I found myself shy and insecure when I met up with him again.
On my return back to the hotel (where I arrived alone, as my family was eating sundaes in the parks), I couldn't help but be left with that most hated feeling of melancholy, and I was strangely and annoyingly moody. Upon reflection, I think that last semester I was having much more difficulty emotionally than I initially thought I was. Looking back, I wonder even if some of the weird things going on with me were legitimate breakdowns or bouts of depression.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping that once I move back in and start classes and everything things will be alright. If things get frustrating with the school or the roommate, I've only got a semester there and then I'm off to The University of Limerick in Ireland for 4 months!

I also feel that I've left Disneyland with a renewed motivation to someday participate in the creation of the magic. The conversation with the cast member in the park encouraged me to continue looking in to the Disney College Program (she said that members of the DCP tend to get priority over regular cast members, and they work around your schedule and everything with school too. She spoke very highly of it, although she was an older woman who had never done it). I was looking up internships and jobs etc, and that's motivated me to force myself to get more involved with things at school. Hopefully then I can get to know more people as well as increase some skills in the areas in which I'd like to improve. With luck it will also give me some good things to put on a resume in the future!

I've got my eyes set to check out a few organizations, including one that should get me back into the theatre scene if my plan goes accordingly! =] I figure I will join CAST and work on tech for a little bit. That way I can learn more about back stage and hopefully get involved in some set design, which will help me out in the future if I still wish to pursue Imagineering. Once I get to know people and start feeling more comfortable, maybe I can start auditioning!

So really it's the possibilities that are exciting me, and hopefully those will keep me optimistic enough about everything next semester.

Also, I've started some hardcore plans/ testing for my Halloween costume this year. My college-necessity shopping journey tomorrow will also involve searches for possible materials to utilize in my plot. It'll be a challenge, and I'm a little worried about the total expense, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, I'll have to find something else. Not sure how I feel about telling people exactly what I'm hoping for just yet though. It's not a certainty, and perhaps I am superstitious. Or maybe just afraid that any secondary choice will be bad in comparison to that which I might have first promised...

I've got until the 27th before summer ends. I'll need to pack it full of fun stuff and people get-togethers.

Soon to be on my way to Yosemite. Mom and Dad are already up there and Mom is most likely beginning her hike up to the top of treacherous Half Dome. I shall be making the drive alone since everyone I asked to go with me backed out. Problem is that I am surprisingly tired. Like, ill feeling tired. Somewhat sick to my stomach, maybe. Perhaps I just need to eat something first. I'm hoping that will make me feel better. I think it will. I'll be alright. And I'll find some good music to listen to on the way there.


These ants won't go away.

I'm not as insane as I was a week ago/ last night!
Joyous!

Dark Knight was spectacular.


Dressed up as Scarecrow (straitjacket version) with Marilyn (Gordon) and Louise (a rather well-put-together Joker ensemble) and we actually got applause as we walked up the stairs to our seats. <<< This is a true highlight, since although we have dressed up for movies before, never have we gotten such awesome recognition, especially considering this dress-up thing was actually all thrown together last minute. We even made some friends with two female Harveys and were acquainted with a beastly Joker, a friendly Two-face, another Joker, Robin, and Batgirl. Hey, we even saw Yoppie there! It was splendid, and some of the reactions to the costumes were great. Those are moments where I wish I was temporarily a guy so I could actually pull off the maleness a bit better. That's probably a weird thing to wish, but there you go.

I can't talk much about it now, since I feel a rather nasty headache coming on, but the villainy (from all of the bad guys, really, and of course especially through Señor Ledger's performance) was so palpable. It's rare you will find something so realistically evil, and there were quite a few moments of bouncing-around-in-my-seat due to excitement/worry at some outcome or another or the sheer joy of the pure badness of the happenings.

I really want to see it again..

P.S. The James Bond trailer for Quantum of Solace was shown before the movie as well, and I am so freaking excited. I need me some Bond in my life!